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HARRY L. NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 

Dramatic Episodes 



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ACTOR AND THE JANITOR, THE 

A Comic Novelty Act 
CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic 
CHATTER Monologue for Males. 

COLLEGE CHUMS, THE A Comedy Incident 

DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch 
FAMILY SECRET Monologue 

GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE 

A Suffragette Monologue 
IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Talkfest 
IN A CABARET Comedy Crossfi/e 

INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch 
IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode 

JACK AND HIS QUEEN, A A Comedietta 

KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL 

Comedy Sketch 
MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Drama 

MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE, 

THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval 

PAIR OF PANTS, A Talking Act 

ROSE OF MEXICO, A A Drama 

SALLIE AND SAMM1E A Comedy Skit 

SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD, THE Comedy 

TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch 

WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE 

KNOWS Suffragette Monologue 

Price, 25 Cents Each 



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M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, 144-146 West 37th Street, New York 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," 

Or 

PERPETUAL MOTION. 

Sketch for 6 males. 

By Frank Dumont. 

A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric" 

inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN." 

Sketch for two females. 

By Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
Bella Sanders, j 

Estelle Williams, J ; • • ■ • Colle S e Chums 

Two schoolmates meet, not having seen each other 
since leaving college. The talk over old times is very 
amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad 
points of other mates, although neither believed in 
"running down" their neighbors. While in college 
they had agreed never to marry without consulting the 
other, but time changes matters and they both fall in 
love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord 
to these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a 
change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the 
tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of 
their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console 
each other by ridiculing the man's choice. 

Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in 
white or black face. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." 

A Modern Musical Burlesque. 

By Frank Dumont. 

Five Males — Two Females. 

There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding 
Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all 
others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. 
We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the 
book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. 
Any musical society can handle this version. Contains 
excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy 
lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. 

With complete piano score of original vocal and 
incidental numbers. 

We also rent manuscript arrangements for orchestra 
when desired. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



IN A CABARET 



A COMEDY CROSS-FIRE 



By 
HARRY Iv. NEWTON 



Copyright MCMXIV by M. Witmark & Sons 
International copyright secured 



Published by 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

Witmark Building, New York 



CHICAGO LONDON 






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IN A CABARET 

Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to 
whom Theatrical Managers who wish to 
produce it should apply. Amateur repre- 
sentation may be made without such appli- 
cation and without charge. 






SEP -21914 © CLD 38033 

K*0 / 



CHARACTERS. 

Mrs. Chester Chatterbox — A Young Widow. 

Mortimer Square — A Man About Town. 

Scene — An interior in "two." A cozy corner in a 
Cabaret. Small table and two chairs C. 

Time of Representation — About twelve 
minutes. 

COSTUMES. 

Mrs. Chatterbox — Swell black and white eve- 
ning gown. 

Mortimer — Full evening clothing. 

Note. — Songs may be introduced during action 
at option of performers. 



X 



DIAGRAM OF STAGE. 

D.R.C. CO. b.i-X 



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V.2.C . 

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AUDIE.NCE. 

L. i E. — Left first entrance. 
R. i E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C, — Left centre of stage. 

C. D. — Centre door. 

D. R. C. — Door right centre. 
D. L. C. — Door left centre. 



IN A CABARET 

A Comedy Cross-Fire 
By Harry L. Newton. 

(At rise enter Mortimer from R. 2. E. and Mrs. 
Chatterbox from L. 2. E. They bow in formal 
manner, then sit.) 

Mortimer — I am pleased to meet you again. 

Mrs. C. — Thanks. 

Mortimer — How are the children? 

Mrs. C — What children ? 

Mortimer — Ours. 

Mrs. C, — We never had any. 

Mortimer — Oh, I beg your pardon. Very 
stupid of me. I mistook you for somebody else. 
Are you drinking anything? 

Mrs. C. — Yes, anything. 

Mortimer — Thanks. What trade are you follow- 
ing now ? 



IN A CABARET 



Mrs. C. — I'm a widow. 

Mortimer — How's business? 

Mrs. C— Sir! 

Mortimer — Did your husband leave you much? 

Mrs. C— Nearly. 

Mortimer — Nearly what? 

Mrs. C. — Nearly every night. . . . Whom 
are you working for now? 

Mortimer — Same people. A wife and three 
children. 

Mrs. C. — Strange. I didn't know you were mar- 
ried. 

Mortimer — I married a widow. 

Mrs. C. — So? Where did you meet her? 

Mortimer — I didn't meet her; she overtook me. 

Mrs. C. — Is she a blonde or brunette? 

Mortimer — I don't know. I'm a stranger around 
here myself. 

Mrs. C. (Sighs) — Ah, poor me! I might have 
been somebody, but I was left an orphan. 

Mortimer — That so? What did you do with it? 

Mrs. C. — Ah, I shall never forget my first pro- 
posal of marriage. He told me of his love and 
there was a ring of sincerity in his voice. 

Mortimer — Well, that ring should have been in 
his hand. You know a ring in the hand is worth 
a dozen in the voice. 

Mrs. C. — Oh, but you should have heard his 
pleading. 

Mortimer — Pleading? My goodness, did he 
have to plead for you? 



IN A CABARET 



Mrs. C. — Why, certainly. What do you suppose 
he did? 

Mortimer — Why, I thought he just made a grab 
—that's all. 

Mrs. C. — Never, sir! He pleaded. . . But 
I was deaf to his pleading. 

Mortimer — How deaf? 

Mrs. C. — Oh, very deaf. Then he showed me 
a diamond ring. 

Mortimer — I see. You were deaf but not stone 
deaf. 

Mrs. C. — Very bright of you, I'm sure. 

Mortimer — Yes ; you see I'm a polished man. 

Mrs. C. — By the way, how T tall should a girl be 
if her sweetheart is six feet tall ? 

Mortimer — That's easy. She should be just tall 
enough to come up to his expectations. 

Mrs. C. — Splendid. You have an answer for 
everything. Did you ever hear me sing? 

Mortimer — Yes. Are you going to apologize? 

Mrs. C— What for? 

Mortimer — For singing. 

Mrs. C. — You heard me sing last evening and 
you applauded. 

Mortimer — A man will do anything once. 

Mrs. C. — Do you think I sung with feeling? 

Mortimer — No. If you had any feeling you 
wouldn't sing. 

Mrs. C. — What's the matter? Don't you feel 
well? 



IN A CABARET 



Mortimer — No. 

Mrs. C. — Do you drink water when you are eat- 
ing? 

Mortimer — No, and I don't drink water when 
I am drinking. 

Mrs. C. — Why don't you settle down and work 
hard? 

Mortimer — I can't do hard work. I strained 
myself once. 

Mrs. C— How? 

Mortimer — My father had a heavy mortgage on 
his farm and I tried to lift it. Are you going to 
re-marry ? 

Mrs. C. — No. A good man is too hard to get. 
When I marry again I w^ant a man who doesn't 
drink, smoke, gamble, flirt, stay out nights or swear, 
but at the same time I wouldn't object to his having 
a good time. 

Mortimer — Where ? 

Mrs. C. — If you lost your wife would you marry 
again ? 

Mortimer — No. 

Mrs. C— Why not? 

Mortimer — Because I can't afford a 1913 wife 
on my 1903 salary. 

Mrs. C. — My Brother got married last week. 

Mortimer — Was that his wife I saw him with 
yesterday? 

Mrs. C. — Yes. He was very hard up when he 
married her. 

Mortimer — He must have been. 



IN A CABARET 8 



Mrs. C. — According to your statement of a 
moment ago, you don't receive a very large salary 
per. 

Mortimer — My last year's expense book re- 
minds me of a play I saw last week. 

Mrs. C. — Which one — "Ready Money" ? 

Mortimer— Xo; "The Follies of 1913." 

Mrs. C. — That reminds me. I believe you were 
intoxicated last evening. 

Mortimer — Well, if I wasn't I spent four dollars 
for nothing. 

Mrs. C. — You had some difficulty with a lady 
guest, did you not? 

Mortimer — I believe I did. You mean the one 
with a coming-out gown? 

Mrs. C. — Yes. 

Mortimer — I stepped on it. 

Mrs. C— Well? 

Mortimer — She came out. 

Mrs. C. — Do you believe it's a man's duty to 
hook his wife's gown in the back? 

Mortimer — A man who refuses to hook his 
wife's gown in the back is a patriot. A martyr is 
one who attempts and fails, while a hero tries and 
succeeds. 

Mrs. C. — Then what is a coward? 

Mortimer — Oh, a coward is a man who remains 
single, so he won't have to try. 

Mrs. C. — Very good. Did you say you were 
going to Atlantic City? 



IN A CABARET 



Mortimer — Yes. 

Mrs. C. — For the week end? 

Mortimer — No; my stomach. . . My stomach 
has never been right since I boarded with your 
mother. 

Mrs. C. — My mother set an excellent table. 

Mortimer — That's all she did set that was ex- 
cellent, the table. 

Mrs. C. — Didn't she give you scrambled eggs for 
breakfast ? 

Mortimer — Sure she did. She used to put an 
egg on the table and the boarders would scramble 
to see who got it. 

Mrs. C. — Well, my mother used to keep her 
boarders long. 

Mortimer — Yes, long and thin. I remember the 
boarders used to go fishing so that we'd have some- 
thing to eat. I'll never forget my last fishing trip. 

Mrs. C— Did the fish bite? 

Mortimer — Did they? Say, I had to hide be- 
hind trees to keep them from biting me. 

Mrs. C. — Oh, go on. 

Mortimer — All right, I will. Anyhow that day 
I caught a big string of fish, and started home with 
them, and I met my wife. 

Mrs. C. — Your wife? 

Mortimer — My wife that was to be. I said to 
her, "Let's get married." and she said all right. 
So we went to the minister, my wife that was to 
be, the string of fish and me. I asked the minister 
how much he'd charge to make us one — 



IN A CABARET 10 



Mrs. C. — Your wife that was to be, the string 
bf fish and you? 

Mortimer — No, not the string of fish. My wife 
that was to be and me. The minister said he 
wanted four dollars. I told him I didn't have four 
dollars, but that I had a string of fish. 

Mrs. C. — And what did he say? 

Mort.mer — He said he would marry us for the 
string of fish. I told him that I had caught the 
fish to eat, but that I would give the fish to him 
for marrying us. So he took the fish. 

Mrs. C— Yes? 

Mort.mer — And that's all, except that I've al- 
ways been sorry that I didn't eat the fish. 
— Finish with Song— 

CURTAIN 



PLAYS— SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES 



'THE HABITAT'S REVENGE." 

A Play in One Act. For 2 Males. 
By Gordon Rogers. 

A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he 
and his daughter were wronged by a stranger to whom 
he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very 
night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by 
apparently the same man, whom he recognizes, but 
who does not recognize him. Taking the visitor at 
a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance 
upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs 
to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only 
daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome 
stranger. 

While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father 
dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to 
her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For 
all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but just 
as the much-wronged man is about to put his threat 
into execution, the younger, realizing that he is the 
son of the wrongdoer, declares himself just in time to 
save his life. 

A powerful dramatic story, most effectively told, and 
affording opportunities for the portrayal of a strong 
character study and of an attractive juvenile part. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 

"THE REHEARSAL." 

A Novel Social Entertainment. For 7 Females. 
By Erne W. Merriam, 

In this most amusing playlet the participants mingle 
with the audience, thus making the entertainment ap- 
pear to be entirely extemporaneous. Neither stage, 
scenery nor special costumes are needed to make it 
effective; in fact "The Rehearsal" may be acceptably 
given either in the parlor or on the porch or lawn, 
and is so arranged that very little memorizing is neces- 
sary — a great point in its favor, especially when but 
little time can be given to preparation. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 



M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS 

"The DIALECT COMEDIAN. 

By Frank Dumont. 

This is a work that has been much called for. Bits 
of every dialect are presented, giving stories, jokes and 
gags as they should be told. The little book will assist 
you greatlv. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." 
Sketch by Frank Dumont. 
Four Male Characters. 
Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious 
hotel keeper in operation assisted by his "faithful" man- 
of-all-work. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"McWADE'S PLATOON." 
Burlesque Dialect Police Drill. 
FINALE FOR FIRST PART. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving 
splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs 
and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale 
or number for the olio. Something new. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"WHEN WOMEN RULE US." 
Burlesque and Court House Scene. 
By Frank Dumont. 
Twenty Characters. 
This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein 
all the characters are assumed by them; the two hus- 
bands being represented by the ladies also. 

This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- 
tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and 
fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating 
the gentle sex in mannerisms. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"MY NEW TYPEWRITER." 

Sketch by Frank Dumont. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Fine A. Silk, a busy agent 

Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, 

old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter 

A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. 
Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- 
acter parts. In this sketch the female character is 
obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead 
up to complications that are ludicrously funny. Plenty 
of work for the male character — always busy. "My 
New Typewriter" is a satire on a popular topic. The 
theme is carefully worked out. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

87 Witmark Bldg. New York 

POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



THE VERY U 

PLAYS, MONOLOGUES, S 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



BY 




017 401 127 8 

[ARRY L. NEWTON 



"A Rose of Mexico" 

A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexican Life. 

An Original Dramatic Playlet for one Male and 
one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico 

The story is of Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently 
returned from school in the United States, and Pedro, 
a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- 
sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry 
him. 

"A Pair of Pants" 

A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. 
This act for straight man and comedian who 
wants his three dollars, while the other wants his 
pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- 
py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. 

"A Jack and His Queen" 

Comedietta in one act for two Males and one Female. 

Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from 
an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle 
down by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason. Flora 
pays a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- 
tie Twinkletoes," a dancer, is to call. 

Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and 
some very smart dialogue ensues. 

"An Invitation to the Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 
Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- 
son, a colored servant, and Birdie BirdscU, the daugh- 
ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- 
tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. 

"Chatter" 

A Monologue for Males. 
This is a brisk and breezy up-to-dare monologue 
for light or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- 
ical lmes which reach the apex of wit. Used with 
great success by professional entertainers. 

"Down in Paradise Alley" 

An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. 
•Tells a delightful story of a young college gradu- 
ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell^a lit- 
tle East Side street singer, living in Paradise Alley, 
New York. A charming little playlet in which com- 
edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- 
ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- 
tion of the performers. 

"Family Secrets" 

A Monologue for Rube Girl. 
This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- 
onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- 
scription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 



'Izzy's Vacation" 



A summer episode in two scenes. 

This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians 
and lady who can play pert young miss. 

Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and 
running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in 
the spirit of mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed 
her 

"Keep Your Eye onHhe Ball" 

A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. 

For a clever Irish comedian and leading 
woman Madame Blavatsky. fortune teller, has 
money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The 
complications that follow must be read to be appre- 
ciated. 

"Meet My Wife" 

A Comedy Sketch, for two Males and one Female. 

George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may 
not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- 
out his wife's permission. With the arrival of a 
friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- 
cumvent his wife and eventually becomes master in 
his own house. 

"The Spirit of Captain Kidd" 

A Vaudeville Playlet in two scenes. 

Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy 
McSorley, an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular 
rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- 
torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. 

This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two 
scenes. It is one long scream from start to finish. 

"Two Girls and Him" 

A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and 
one Male. 

There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running 
through this little playlet. 

Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves 
stranded. Timothy McDufT hears of their sad plight 
and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city. 

"What Every Woman Thinks She KnoW 

A Suffragette Monologue. 

This monologue on the suffragette question- is a 
scream from beginning to ejid. More ludicrous "pat- 
ter" could not well be imagined. There is a dash of 
brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. 



ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH 

M. WITMARK & SONS 



86 WITMARK BUILDING 



New York 



